What did the pain teach you?
As a child we learned a very valuable lesson. What lesson you’re asking? Let me explain. When a child touches something that causes them pain, what will they do after that? 9 times out of 10 they won’t touch the object again. Right? So why is it that that instinct becomes lost or tainted when we become adults? You may be saying if I touch something that causes me pain right now, I will never touch it again. I say, it all depends on what’s touched. Let me explain some more…
What happens when someone touches us and they cause us pain? There is a large percentage of people who don’t make sure they don’t experience that pain again. We allow people to are touch our minds, hearts, souls, emotions, and we never look at it the same way as if you touched something that caused you pain. There are times when we allow people to touch us/abuse us/disrespect us/manipulate us and they cause us great pain yet we never learn the lesson. When we never learn the lesson, we keep repeating the cycles. One relationship after the other and we make statements like there aren’t any good men/women out here. No, there are. You are just attracting brokenness because you too are broken. You know the saying – hurt people hurt people. That is what I mean by we didn’t keep the very important instinct from childhood. There is another thing that gets kind of wishy washy as adults and that is discernment. You know that babies and children have strong discernment when it comes to people (as do animals) – so that was lost too. What the heck happened to us? I will tell you what happened – Life! Life experiences.
So I ask again, what did the pain teach you? Did it tear you up so much that you became bitter, resentful, or angry? Did it cause you to have the attitude of let me get them before they get me? Did it show you what love is? Think about that, especially that last question. Did that pain shape your idea of what love is and all that it will ever be?
In my life, I have experienced tons of things that caused me to have various issues like: abandonment/neglect issues, trust issues, fear of being alone (to name a few). Because I had all of these issues, it jaded my outlook on love and relationships which caused me to endure more pain than I should have. I endured so much pain because I never learned the lesson. The lesson was that I needed to learn my why? Why was I repeating the same relationships? Why was I treating the people the way that I was treating them? Why was I accepting the bad behavior that deep down I knew that I didn’t deserve? My why was because I never dealt with the baggage which meant that my outlook on love was crap? I mean I saw people living what appeared to be an awesome love story, but it was hard for me to grasp it because I was deep in so much dysfunction. What’s the saying – can’t see the forest for the trees. I couldn’t see because I normalized dysfunction (my whole life).
So you know what I did after my separation from my husband this year? I worked on me and I unpacked my baggage with the help and grace of God. After I worked on me, God gave me the vision to write my book which gives a glimpse into the process I developed for me which is titled Finding Your Life’s Love Song.
Here is a passage from the book Love Song that will resonate with someone on here.
Amelia was working through the first exercise in finding her life’s love some which is identifying the experiences that impacted you. One of the relationships she was exploring was her relationship with her boyfriend Frank.
Amelia just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her and not only that, he was now accusing her of cheating. Amelia was in tears because he was not appreciative of the love she was giving him. He was ready to walk out of her and he was wrong. While she was crying, Frank began to comfort her. Telling her that he really loved her, and how much she means to him. He continued by telling her that the girl never meant anything to him, and that he only wanted Amelia. He finished by saying that he would do everything he could to make it up to her if she lets him.
She was in a fucked up space mentally that she fell for the crap Frank was speaking, and they ended up fucking that night. Amelia just found out he was dealing with a girl days before, and she ends up sleeping with him. This was only possible with years of conditioning and manipulation.
The relationship with Frank was pretty one sided. They did have moments here and there where they were on the same page and happy, but for the most part they were not. Amelia was driven to advance and reach beyond her current situation at all times. Frank was not that person at all. He was comfortable in his world and his understanding of what the world is that he didn’t want to grow. All he wanted to know was the streets. All he wanted to know was fast money and girls. Amelia hoped that as he got older things would change.
As the days went on after her initial discovery of Franks cheating, more situations came to light. Amelia just swept the pain under the rug because Frank was still saying that he wanted Amelia and no one else. What a crock of shit. Yet, she continued to live in her imaginary world that they had a great relationship or a relationship at all. What they had was a situation. How can you consider it a romantic relationship when it was full of lies, there was no trust, there was no connection outside of sex?
Writing out the relationship or lack thereof with Frank, opened Amelia’s eyes in a way that she never imagined. It was all a lie that she made up in her head because she wanted to be in a relationship so badly at that moment in her life. She was tired of dealing with all these guys that didn’t want to be in a committed relationship. She was lonely and needed to feel like she had a meaningful connection with someone, and Frank made her feel like that was something that he was looking for.
They even attempted to live together briefly, but it didn’t work because Frank didn’t want to come home at a respectable time. He wanted to do what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it, and how he wanted to do it. One thing Amelia wasn’t going to deal with him living in her house and being disrespected. However, she was so broken that she stayed with him even if he was only giving her a fraction of him as he filled her up with his verbal ‘I love you’s’. She accepted it because it was all she had.
It wasn’t like people weren’t checking for Amelia. She was beautiful and successful. She just didn’t have the energy to put into another dead end relationship, and she didn’t want to be lonely anymore. She wanted someone that she could call hers, but unfortunately she wasn’t the only one who could call him theirs.
Her heart became a bit heavy and she began to pray. God I thank you for all the things you have done for me and all you continue to do. Even when I am not at my best, you see greatness in me. I love you and I need you more than ever. I need to release this pain and darkness from my heart and mind. I need you to provide clarity and understanding. I need you to provide me with peace and love. I thank you in advance and I love you with all of my being.
She instantly felt relief pour over her. Amelia continued to write after she finished her prayer. All of a sudden she heard her phone ringing, which was on the nightstand charging. The process was very difficult but necessary if she wanted to have pure love in her life. In order to have that type of love, she needed to be able to recognize it and be open to receiving it.
Does that resonate with anyone this evening? Pain will make you lose the good sense that God gave you. Fear of being in pain again will have you compromising yourself to keep the peace. I ask you again – what did that pain teach you?
Like me, I am sure many of you need to do some work to free yourself from that baggage, from that pain. Fear of reliving it is stopping you from moving farther – it is stunting your growth. Don’t be scared, just take that step to address that pain/issue(s). I am telling you when you let that mess go, you will feel like a whole new person. Try it!!! I want to tell you that there is a purpose for the pain – you may not see it while you are in it though. Just keeping it 100.
I would love to hear updates or if you have questions, send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org. Follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook @itsTashiaB. You can also like the books FB page – @lovesongthebook. You can purchase the book at bit.ly/LoveSong_TheBook. I have started a community of Facebook for single people who were in relationships that ended and it took something major out of them. The purpose of the community is to come together to support one another through the transition and that Facebook page is @tableforonecommunity.
I wish you all the best and have a great day!!!